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I never knew what Harry and David was until I started working in an office. It's the office gift basket of choice so a few years ago when gift catalogues started pouring in at the holidays and my office bigwigs mulled over the Harry and David options, I thought this was another sure sign of the apocalypse. It was $29.95 for 4 apples and 4 pears! That's $3.75 per fruit not including shipping! How could anyone pay that much for a fruit? I could just swing by the whole foods market and bring a bushel back for the same price, we'll throw it in a basket and be on with it.

That is until I tried it myself.

Our company gets a big H&D basket every year from one of our clients. My bigwigs - being great bosses - set it out in the kitchen to be shared. The first year was a basket of "Royal Riviera" pears and nuts. I don't eat nuts, and I don't like pears, but I have a hard time turning down free snack food so I grabbed a pear and headed back to my desk.

Holy balls, these must have been the pears that the good Lord Himself planted in the Garden of Eden. The skin was thin, delicate and just a tad tart. The fruit was smooth and dripping with this amazing syrupy juice - it was so soft you could scoop it out with a spoon. I had never smelled a pear that once split had an aroma that I would like to rub all over my body. THIS must be what a pear was intended to be!!! Organic! Alive! It was heaven.

I ran back to the kitchen (being the glutton I am) to grab maybe one or two more (you know, for the road...) but they were gone by the time I got there.

I eagerly awaited the next year. Oh, for one bite of that pear - I had spent the year surfing their website looking at their gorgeous pears and telling myself over and over again that I could not justify spending that much for a simple pear. I'd go to the store, buy a pear only to eat half of it. Despite this, I did well. I didn't buy a thing from Harry and David's website.

Christmas time came again and the big Harry and David's basket found itself sitting in the kitchen. I must have a friends in high places because I was the first one to discover it sitting there all alone in it's virgin state and I was there to pillage! This time it had a variety of treats - pears, apples, chocolates, nuts... and CHEESE.

My heart pounded.

How am I going to carry this all to my desk without looking suspicious? I heard footsteps and talking coming towards the office kitchen.

I can't take one of each back to my desk to hoard like a chubby chipmunk for the winter! Oh god... not enough time...

Too late.

They turned the corner and gabbed away as they perused the selection. I was already holding an apple... I couldn't grab a pear now... but I can't just leave with only a regular old apple! I want an apple and a pear... and chocolate... and CHEESE. The cheese. I could take the cheese.

I grabbed the first block of Cheddar Cheese I could reach and opened it up and began slicing it (you know... to be "helpful" and stuff...) One of my co-workers eyed the cheese I was slicing - mentioned something about how she couldn't wait to try it - I don't know what she said... my head was spinning. I sliced up the whole block.

I took 3 slices and put them on my mini-plate next to my apple. My co-workers turned their attention to the coffee machines... I quickly grabbed at least 4 more slices of cheese and threw them on my plate and dashed out before they could think thoughts about my weight gain since starting my desk job.

I looked at this "Crisp Mountain" apple with disdain. An apple is an apple - what I really wanted was a pear. I sliced the apple at my desk (I have a plastic knife and cutting board set at my desk... weird, but useful) and I was taken aback by the soft apple scent that fluttered up through my olfactory glands. I satiated my watering mouth with a crisp wedge of this cool crunchy apple.

I finally understood why Eve couldn't resist a piece of fruit. This must have been the apple hanging on the tree of wisdom. My primal urges lunged toward my plate intent on scarfing the rest of the apple - seeds would be nothing more than collateral damage. The office setting and my years of training as a well behaved member of society stopped me. I paused, took a deep breath and picked up a piece of the cheese.

Oh god. The cheese.

Let's have a moment of silence to honor the cheese.
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Thank you.

I took a bite of apple and immediately felt refreshed, alive, excited... and quickly followed it with a bite of cheese - savored it, breathed it, absorbed it. I was in an altered state - that could be the only explanation for what I did next. A little something I like to call "Apple in a Cheese Blanket." Yes, I rolled a slice of cheese around an apple and stuffed it in my mouth. That was the moment I understood that the universe actually existed in the Supreme Being's mouth and was a result of the reaction of combining Harry and David's cheese and apple into one bite. I went back into the kitchen to check on the status of the gift basket a few hours later. The fruit was all gone. I had expected as much. I was about to leave when I saw a little twinkle of yellow-orange sunshine peek out from the darkness. To my surprise the dish of sliced cheese had been pushed back behind the large box and was tucked away between the wall and the box edge. There were at least 15 slices left!

I couldn't eat all 15, could I? That would amount to over 100% of my daily saturated fat daily allowance. Could I really do that to my body? Could I be that overcome by a block of what amounts to be rotted dairy?

I don't know who Harry and David are, but they must have sold their souls to the devil and farm their fruits in the actual Garden of Eden hidden from the likes of us regular mortals. Even though business is slow this year, I'm hoping our client still has it in them to send us a box of Harry and David goodies. They have a new set of Pearsnapples (the box combining 4 pears and 4 apples) with fresh "Rogue Valley" blue cheese. That sounds like it would be a good option.. although I'm sure I'd be equally happy with the Delux Pearsnapples set with 2 cheddars, a jack, and a Danish havarti.

Oh, and to answer my own question, I can... I did...and I'd do it again.