I hate Ruby Tuesday. I so desperately want to love her, but her distance from my taste buds makes me hate her. I hate how she teases me. I hate how she taunts me and never lets me touch her. What a bitch.
About 4 months ago, I began to notice ads for this restaurant that touted fresh vegetables, soups, pastas, all you can eat pizza, macaroni and cheese, and other fresh and delicious looking items - sort of like a Souplantation with more options. The item I was most disgustingly excited about was their macaroni and cheese pizza. All it would need were some nachos on top and it would be my meal in heaven. (In case you were not already aware, macaroni & cheese, nachos and pizza are the holy trinity of the good Lord's food - Jesus ate all three at the last supper. Actually that's not true, but if He were aware that these foods existed, he would have ordered in.)
I went to their website and typed in my zip code and did a search within 10 miles.
Nothing.
20 miles.
Nothing
Fine, I'll drive 50 miles.
Nope. Screw you.
Well, maybe I'll plan a road trip 200 miles.
Nada.
I hate you so much Ruby Tuesday. Why do you run ads in the Los Angeles area when you have no intention of serving me your delectable treats? You run them on ABC and Comedy Central and VH1 - there's no excuse! The nearest Ruby Tuesday is 446 miles away in Folsom, CA. Stupid stupid stupids!!! I hate you guys so very very much.
I don't know what I would do if I accidentally crossed paths with a Ruby Tuesday. Would I stand in front of her and try to explain to the patrons walking in what a total tease this slutty restaurant is? Would I try to convince them to boycott her because she's such a whore? Or would I try to disguise myself and go in and see what it's all about? Would I be completely disappointed to find a selection of smooshy macaronis and stale pizza - would Ruby Tuesday simply be another incarnation of Hometown Buffet? Would she be a delectable step up from Souplantation? Maybe something like the buffet at the Paris Hotel or Bellagio in Vegas? Doubtful.
Ruby Tuesday, see what you have done to me? I am a shell of a human thanks to you. I hate you for what you are (and love you for what you could be) Ruby Tuesday.
