dyanamaria.com

When I was in college, I took a sociology class as part of my GE requirement. The course was taught by an outspoken and intimidating African American woman. She was one of the more memorable female teachers I had because of the strength she emanated from her spot at the front of the classroom. She was the type of woman who would wear a business suit to class one day and a traditional African dress the next. I remember going into her office which was covered wall to wall with African print fabrics and African artifacts. She clearly had no doubts about who she identified herself as.

One day in class, another African American woman who worked for the Chapman administration came into class with my teacher to get some feedback from the students on an idea they had been working on for the Chapman campus. This woman was decidedly much less "African" seeming and much more American with African lineage. She was stiff and seemed a little bit uptight. This was their idea. At some other large California colleges, dorms had been set up specifically for the different ethnic groups on the campuses to ease the transition for these students into a new situation like college so they could be with other people that were like them. So, there was an Asian dorm, a Latino dorm, and an African American dorm and there was the general dorm. You wouldn't be forced into any of the dorms, but you could opt to be in one of those dorms.

At Chapman, there was a Latino organization, an African American organization and a Pan-Asian organization - I don't remember them being very big, I would say that Chapman is not the most diverse campus in Orange County. Immediately this dorm idea didn't sit right with me. When it comes to social issues I find that I am pretty "left" leaning (although I don't identify with either a "left" or a "right") and still, I couldn't put myself into those shoes and see how it was ok. Actually most of my classmates, primarily Caucasian but also the Latinos and Asian students seemed to think it was not a good idea either. My teacher and her guest seemed surprised by the reaction - they tried to explain that this was good comfort for these students and an opportunity for them to have the ability to understand more about their own cultures. To me it seemed like voluntary segregation.

Maybe that was just because I couldn't identify. Who would I voluntarily segregate myself with? When taking standardized tests all throughout school I always looked through the options that they listed on every exam:

Male - no, I know that for sure.
Female - Yes, this is me

Caucasian - no not really I don't think... unless... is it summer or winter?
Asian - no, not at all
Pacific Islander - no, not anymore (in the 2nd grade we had so many Filipino family friends that we called cousins and aunties and uncles I thought I was somehow Filipino.)
Latino - no, not entirely, maybe? I dunno.
Black or African American - Nope, not me
Other - I guess this is me. I'm Other.

Eventually they started putting "Decline to State" which became the only thing I checked off.

In high school, when we had to prepare for debates on a large assortment of social issues, I was assigned "PRO: Affirmative Action in Colleges" Initially I thought, fantastic! I totally think everyone should have the same opportunities and yes, certain groups of people are prone to less fortunate circumstances, poorer primary education and harder home lives. With Prop 209 looming around the corner I found myself torn again.

I didn't want to be known for being male or female or for being "other" because it shouldn't make a difference. I'm just as good as my the 20th generation American classmates and my grades account for it. What seemed to be the bigger divide was money - the largest minority communities were also the poorest, these were the kids with the least opportunities, with the weakest education systems, the groups that suffered the most because of the great divide between them and the wealthy kids in the next town. Couldn't we still be color blind? Couldn't we modify the arrangement to provide opportunities for individuals based on annual income rather than race or ethnicity? Wouldn't that work?

I still feel like I'm missing some piece of the puzzle. I sucked at my debate. I wouldn't have been able to argue Pro or Con on the issue because I couldn't even figure it out in my head. I knew that I could get scholarships if I checked off "Latino" I couldn't bring myself to do it. School counselors advised me to do it - all I had to be was a quarter Latino to qualify for hundreds of scholarships and I couldn't do it.

What am I? I grew up Icelombian I guess. Probably more of the -lombian part since my mom raised us with her cultures ideals and values, but there are clearly some Ice- parts in the development of my persona.

I know that full Colombians and other Latinos and their children see me as not really a real Colombian, not really Latina. They look at my brother and I and think we act like Americans. They don't think we are affectionate enough, outgoing enough, we don't speak Spanish and probably don't appreciate our heritage as much as we should. I very much appreciate my Colombian heritage, my family thinks of me as Colombian. I don't speak Spanish because my mom moved here and feared that we would be discriminated against in the same way that she was and she didn't come here with a lot of Colombian friends waiting. I am proud to say I am Colombian, but to a "real" Colombian, I'm just another gringo. If I was to be put into a dorm filled with people of Colombian descent we would have some similar stories to share about our mothers, we'd probably like the same foods, but outside of that, I would feel completely lost.

Then there's the Icelandic part. The cool collected Ying to the fiery passionate Yang that is my Colombian spirit. My father, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmother - fearless. They say exactly what is on their mind even if - maybe, especially if - you don't want to hear it. If something needs to get done, they do it themselves and anything that isn't happening right now, is probably not worth talking about. Workaholic. Maybe a little alcoholic (not my dad - but why do you think the highest number of AA groups per capita is in Iceland?) To that side, I'm watered down Icelandic. There aren't very many Icelandic families living in Orange County. I didn't grow up around Icelandic people (other than my cousins when they came to visit... for 3 years.) I don't have an authorized Icelandic first name, I don't speak Icelandic fluently, and even though my family thinks of me as Icelandic and I crave kleinur, have brúnaðar kartöflur with Christmas dinner, get bagfuls of harðfiskur with every visit and started up the Iceland on MySpace group - I know to the very proud and very selective "real" Icelandic people, I'm just not Icelandic enough.

Culturally, who am I? I would say I could be American - in an old sense of the term. The original Melting Pot idea, perhaps... but I don't think that's necessarily considered American anymore. With multi-generational Americans that proudly trace their history back to the signing of the constitution and things like "traditional American values" I find I relate to that idea of America less than I do with either my Colombian or Icelandic ideologies. In grade school I remember going to my "American" (meaning they were multi-generational Americans as opposed to me being a first-generation American) friend's home at Christmas time and asking them where their nativity was. They pointed at this tiny set of figurines, and I said "no, where is your real nativity? The big one?" Blank stares. It wasn't until high school when I overheard someone talking about their mom's waterfall in their nativity that I realized this aspect of my life was not just mine but belonged to a group of people I had never before thought to identify myself with - Latinos. I'd take bags of dried fish (that's the harðfiskur) to grade school for snacks when we had them and gleefully eat it all - not totally understanding why my classmates didn't desire to partake in my delicious dried fish snacks. I found I related best to the children of other immigrants who like me, did not speak the language of their parents, brought weird foods and snacks to school with them and pronounced certain words (like drawer or ambrosia) with a strange accent. The difference seemed to be that these children often had large families with cousins who were just like them who would be around at family parties - our family didn't have that, so we went to their parties (hence why I thought in the 2nd grade I was somehow Filipino.)

I was never sad about it. I liked being unique. I liked explaining who I was and I liked having a story. Culturally I was like no one else, and on a less obvious scale, my Icelandic heritage became my logos, my Colombian heritage my pathos and my American education my ethos. I became who I am because I was surrounded by a hurricane of cultures and didn't know any other way of life. I don't fit easily into a category other than Female "18-25." Categories are for trivia games and blogs anyway and I never wanted to be categorized in the first place.